From time to time, certain magical locales will crop up that seem to be loaded with hot chicks — a certain night at a certain bar will be packed with women. Sometimes it gets tough having to slap all those bitches off your jock, but once it’s over you can’t wait for next week to mack all of those lascivious drunk hoes again. Here’s a bit of advice: if you are happy in your pussy paradise, you better keep your mouth shut about it! Once you tell a friend, the friend will tell a friend, and they will tell their friends — within weeks, ye’ old dependable cod-to-rod ratio is knocked totally off kilter. Soon, the Neanderthal courting rituals of obnoxious frat boys and rednecks will make chicks so miserable, they will stop coming. Within a month’s time, you’ll find more eligible teen sluts at bingo night in the geriatric ward. This system of migrating estrogen is cyclical — getting through the slumps before the next spot picks up can be tough. When the going gets tough, the tough get going to where they know there’s gonna be pussy: titty bars.

Many argue that you can’t get laid at titty bars. I strongly disagree with this logic. If I had a nickel for every stripper I’ve slid my bearded blood bomber into, I would be a rich man. Well, I’d have a few hundred dollars, in any event.

Today, I offer some practical advice that will enhance your personal life. I have put literally a decade of research into this. Take this advice if you’ve always wanted to serve your boner pro-bono to your favorite “adult entertainer”. This information was formerly classified in the interests of national security, but I am declassifying it now, seeing as I am in the midst of a half-hearted attempt to be semi-faithful to my girlfriend.

To draw an analogy: the pursuit of molesting strippers is a lot like fishing (note that I ignored an obvious opportunity to make a fishy smell reference, or did I?). The pond you fish in, lure you use, and how you bait your hook are conditions that will give you a favorable success rate, but first you need to ask yourself…

More to come soon…